Misunderstood...

"Zen! Dreaming lah, time to move off!!!"

There it happens again, one of my "Spirit Walking" sessions (laugh). Actually that was just me staring into space. Forgotten since when I actually got this habit. Perhaps I was trying to hard to concentrate and unknowingly turn it into a "space trip"...

Ever since promoting to Year Six of my Primary School Education,things had be going rather smoothly for me. Grown used to the usual busy schedules, good thing I was spared from tutions and remedial classes, unlike some of my class-mates. This will also be the year I am taking my promotion examination.

"Do well and you'll be fine!"

I know dad was trying to be assuring, too bad I knew the next line all too well, "Perform badly and somebody's gonna get hurt REAL bad!" Okay,he didn't really say it but thats the rough idea. The idea of failing my promotion exams stinks, so definitely I was giving it my hundred percent for the exams.

It's only a matter of whether MY hundred percent is enough...

"Oi Zen! So how, the paper lah I mean... What The F*ck, you dreaming again arh?!"

"Spirit Walking" again. I just finished my Mathematics paper. For some reasons unknown to mankind I simply hated Maths, so much so I go to the point of burning my Maths textbooks after I clear the final exam paper.

Yeah, another book to burn tonight... (Okay I'm joking...)

"OI BITCH!!!" the shout was followed by a loud "SLAP!!" (actually the guy shouted something more vulgar... Well thats not important...)

A guy fighting a girl? The first thing that came to my mind: somebody's gonna get hurt real bad. You bet I'm correct; The guy ended up with a bleeding head: the girl stabbed a pencil into his scalp... man looks like the guy gonna be out for a while... As for the girl... even now when thinking back, Celia doesn't really fit the bill as one with decent background. Back in our days, we called such girls "Ah Lian Taos".

Well most probably wouldn't get to see her again so never mind if she is "Ah Lian" or what...

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Secondary School life... its is during this period of time I actually get to know most of my close friends. They say that ones best friends come along during their primary school life. Yeah right... I used to think... Anyway, better luck this time round... familiar faces during first day in school!

"Kev! You also in this school arh?" I ask excitedly.

"No, I work here as a cleaner... Walau! Zen! Stupid question leh!" Kev replied with a "WTF" kind of face.

Man I feel so dumb asking that question, but decided to carry on with the conversation. When its time to go to our classroom, I realised that Kev's in another class. Well, we are not really that close in the first place, so, whatever...

"Morning class I'll be your form teacher for Sec One. My name is..."Seriously I wasn't paying too much attention to what Mr Chen had to say in class. First day of school is usually so uneventful. For our school its the same throughout our four or five years there: first day at school... form teachers going through rules and regulations, telling us what to do or what not to do, giving us or class timetable, etc. Sometime I do feel very sorry for the teachers, they must have know we are not listening, yet they have tell us this things over and over again.

"Sorry teacher!"

Hmm... late comers. As I was still in my "spirit walking" mode I wasn't paying much attention to whoever it is. That is, until that person started talking.

"Hey... seemed to have heard that voice before..." I was mentally trying to recall, when the late comer put her seemingly empty bag on the table, sat down beside me and started to say:

"Yo seen you in Primary School before, didn't know you studied here...".

You should have seen my face at that moment, I was like "WTF! This a joke or something?" Sitting beside me in a very unlady-like manner, was our "Ah Lian Tao" Celia, this time up close and personal...

"Oi why you look at me like that?! I so good looking meh?!" Well I would only say that Celia is not the girl most would consider as "girlfriend" material... On top of the fact that she can be very vulgar and rough at times, the way she walk and presents herself... man... the jargon we often used is in the army is "totally-cannot-make-it"!

If I were to say that I'm more of a listener in a conversation, then she is definitely the one to struck up a conversation. Its quite unbelievable to see a girl being able to come up with so many things to say. Even up til today I still don't fully understand how she lived her life...

"That day lah, that son-of-a-gun Andy "fly my kite"! Say pass me back my CD then didn't come! NB...!" The first thing that came to my mind when I heard Celia over the phone is like "Andy??? Who in Blue Hell is Andy??? I don't even know who he is!" That's another thing about her... she made it sound so convincing and matter-of-factly that I though I knew the guy she was talking about, only to realise later that I have to ask her who this Andy guy is, or who that Brandon was...Over a year or so I gave up asking, and take it as it is...

If there is any one thing that Celia did manage to influence me, it is basketball. During Secondary One and the first semester of Secondary Two I was in the Art Club, the only guy among all the girls who joined. The club and its activities, though fun and interesting (I especially like the Chinese Painting lessons), was not really the ideal CCA (during that time it was called ECA...) of my choice... Its was during one of the club weekly activities. After finishing my painting and leaving it out on the corridor to dry, I thought I might as well take a short break outside the art room.

As I was looking out on to the basketball court and watching their training, I saw Celia in the midst of all the guys and girls, how she is enjoying herself in the hot sun with all the guys and girls. I had not like basketball since young due to some unhappy incident in the past, but seeing them play basketball and how they were enjoying themselves, I have this urge to join them. I don't even know if its because of Celia, but I decided to just give basketball a try...

"Huh I thought you were enjoying yourself here, but if that is your choice, then I shall not keep you back. All the best then!" Thats what Mr Leong said when I submitted my letter of quitting the Art Club.

Well I never looked back. From the first day I join basketball I never did once missed any of the training sessions. It is also through all these training sessions that Celia and I got to know each other better. And perhaps unknowingly to even me, I find myself attracted to her in a way that I, at that time can't really explain.

"Wah Zen after playing for six month you become even better already, grown taller too!" Celia was sitting beside me after a game with the school team.

"Well you're not too bad yourself! Though you didn't really seemed to improve...Opps..." I joked.

"Oi say until like that! Walau... I also know I can't play well..." she was looking disappointed.

"Hey come on you're pretty decent(basketball skills, I meant) already, for a girl at least." I tried consoling her.

"Ha ha ha! Zen you know what? Seldom people would think of me as a girl! So you dun have to make me feel better." She laughed.

"Come to think of it you're not really that bad looking, just have to be more lady-like..." I was just trying to say stuff to make her feel better, but for some reason Celia had gone all quiet.

"Oi Zen! Round two already lah! Still talking with your "GirlFriend" arh!!" The guys on the court where laughing already. That really made the situation very weird. There I was trying to explain myself, while Celia was sitting there all quiet.

Before I knew it the "news" of Celia and me being a "couple" spread throughout the school. Imagine my surprise when even the teachers knew about it. But somehow I wasn't really trying very hard to deny it... at that time I thought I had really come to falling for her. And it was during this time where Celia and I talk less in school and on the phone. Well I thought, might as well let the thing died off by itself.

"Zen you there?" It was Celia on the phone... If I remember correctly it was after we finished our Sec Two year end examinations.

"Yeah how are you doing now? Can pass?" I was trying to chat her up and dispelling the awkward atmosphere.

"Haha never mind about that!" From what she say I can roughly tell; she barely scraped though.

"See lah! Didn't study for exams now regret already?" I'm trying so hard to joke... at this point the other side of the phone has gone all quiet.

"Eh Celia?"(me)

"...Yeah..."(C)

"You Okay...?" For no reason, I was like talking very softly at this point.

"Zen?"(C)

"Got something to say?"(me)

"Do you have a liking for me?" I think she takes quiet a bit of courage saying that. I don't really remember what I say exactly. The only think I remember was giving her a positive reply.

"Maybe we can try to make this relationship work?" she stammered unsurely.

Now I was the one who had gone all quiet... A lot of things where flying through my mind, at first I was damn shocked... what have I done to deserved this?To tell the truth, I can't believe what I'm hearing. Every thing is like a dream... I thought it's one of my "Spirit Walking" sessions again...(haha)

"Do you love me for what I am?"(C)

"Yes." I don't know what happen, or why I say what I said, but one think I can be sure; I say "Yes" almost immmediately and without doubts.

"Say you love me..."(C)

"Yes I do..." Now I feel extremely weird... can almost feel the warm rush to my face and I swear I can hear my heartbeat...

"NO! Say "I Love You"!!" I can almost feel her cheekyness while saying that.

After mustering enough courage and checking to make sure no one at home was listening... I summoned enough sincerity and said:

"I Love You, Celia..."

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I didn't really ask Celia about it... but after "declaring my love" I was feeling very light hearted, as if "Finally! There is nothing to hide!"

Maybe because we understand each other so well, there seemed to be even less word between us after we became a couple. Our emotions and feeling for each other is reflected in the our body languages.

On our first outing, both of us were so quiet that people who do not know us may thought we are complete strangers. Its was not until we hold each other hand did we actually have this so called "couple look".The moments I hold her hands and embracing her, I have this feeling that I can almost read what she want to say.

That's what I thought...

"Zen..." It was Celia on the phone again...

"Eh... Hui(Celia's Chinese name) how come today so early call? Anything wrong?"I was a bit worried, cause she usually called in the evening after seven.

"Zen something I need to tell you..." she sounded very unsure. I was now damn worried, though I never know the thing that is to come.

"I think..."(C)

"Hui, talk to me. Did something happen at home again?" Celia comes from a rather complicated family background and there are often troubles at home.

"Never Mind..." Celia hung up.

I tried calling her back for the next few hours. A mixed feeling of confusion and anxiety filled me... In the end I decided to stop calling and let her cool down, as I always did when she is feeling extremely down. I thought I will just ask her what happen when we meet in school the next day.

How am I to know that she is either too "busy" doing her work, or she need to rush off to her workplace after school. Even during break time she will be in some corner where I can't find her. This goes on for a week... even the phone calls stopped coming in. No matter how much I tried calling her I simply can't get through to her.

"Zen." She finally called after one week.

"Hui what's wrong!? You ok or not!?" I was by now really worried, all evidence of my frustrations and worries of not being able to get her and contact her was apparent. I was thinking what could it be that is so hard for her to say. I looked at all kinds of situations that could lead to her apparent coldness, even the possibility of her wanting to end the relationship. But I thought it was impossible; its only been less than a month...

"Zen I think we better go our seperate ways, I don't think I'm the one for you..."(C)

I thought wrong.

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"Oi Zen how's life?"

Celia is now in Europe, trying to realise her dreams as a fashion designer. Two years ago she decided to leave Singapore to further her studies and to get out of this tiny country to see the world.

"Yo its been a while since you called. Thought you were lost in the English Fog"I know thats crap... she knew it too...

"Yeah I was indeed, haha but this English guy help me out of it! Hey tell you...We have been going out for quite a while already, he even proposed to me!" I can almost see Celia grinning from ear to ear at the mention of his boyfriend.

"Haha good for you! At last you're being serious. So you guys coming back for your wedding or what?"(me)

"Aiyo I not joking now lah, I still don't know whether to accept or not leh!"(C)

"You already have the answer... Why bother asking me? Just go tell him you both need more time to make this relationship smooth-sailing. But hey don't make him wait too long arh, hahahaha!"(me)

We both burst out laughing.

"Zen..."(C)

"Yeah what?"(me)

"You really know me inside out..."(C)

"Well same here, isn't it?"(me)

Celia is still the same, telling me every thing about her life. In the past I always thought that what she need is advices from her loved ones. Now I finally realised that all she need is someone who can listen to her problems, and by listening, perhaps share her burden in life. That person need not be her boyfriend, it can be just another friend. Though she did not really say why, I think I finally understand her decision then: precisely because we knew each other too well, and take each other too much like a friend, that the idea of us being a couple is just impossible. A "misunderstanding" one might say.

Our relation has gone beyond "couples"; we are now "soul-mates"...

"Well gotta go now, and take care of yourself yah?"(me)

"Yeap bye! Find yourself a GF soon okay? And take care of Lydia! (Celia's kid sister)"(C)

All the best... Celia...