Regrets

I can still recall the scene clearly: it was another one of those normal school days and I was walking to school as usual.

"A fine morning." I thought to myself, probably due to the fact that it has rain the night before. The air was cold with a slight breeze. I remember taking a deep breathe before entering the school compound.

"Today shall be it!"

The first time the feeling of wanting to love someone is so strong. Not the same feeling as when I felt about Celia and Regine... Deep down inside I knew I can't deny what I am feeling for her... she probably felt the same too...

It is still very early in the morning, during this time of the day the school is still quite "dead". As I walk across the quadrangle towards the staircase that leads to my classroom I instinctly took a glance up towards a particular spot on the 4th floor; the spot along the corridor outside the classroom of 3E3 where she always hang around when she comes to school early in the morning. Always wanted to ask her what is she looking out for...

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"Zen! You're wanted on the phone! It's a girl!" mother was calling me.

During this period of time I really hate picking up the phone, especially whenI knew it was a girl on the other side of it... During my secondary school days the only girl that would actually called was Celia. And when she actually does called it would beat least two hours of yapping and gribing on her end while the poor ears on my end was hoping this "mental torture" would end soon.

"Yeah Celia what's up now?" I reply. Clearly there was a tinge of impatience in my voice...

"Huh?" the voice answered in a very soft and mild manner.

"Oops... Who the hell was that?" Okay I didn't really said that out loud but that was what's going through my mind at that instant. Who could the owner of this voice be? After going through a list of girls I knew I decided that she is not someone I knew very well... if i even knew her at all. I even thought it was Celia trying to be "mild" haha...

"Eh..." I treaded carefully, "Who is that on the line?"

"Oh sorry, you don't know who I am?" was the reply.

"Sorry I don't, you from my school?" at the same time in my mind was the thought "Damn who the hell are you and what is this guessing game about..."

"You really don't know who I am?" she seemed to be surprised.

"No sorry I really don't..." I tried my best not to knock my head against the wall.

"Oh never mind, then you should know Phil right? I'm one of his friend."

"Eh okay... but how did you got my number?" I seldom gave my home number to anyone, save a few of my close friends.

"Got it from Phil." The girl on the other end answered matter-of-factly.

"Damn you,Phil... you gave my phone number to some crazy girl who had nothing better to do than to call and disturb..." Deep down inside I was cursing Phil for being such a loud mouth.

"Yeah I do know him, we play ball together." I was getting impatient.

"Can you do me a favor? Cause just now I sort of quarrelled with him on the phone... I was hoping you would help me apologized... cause I sorta said something quite harsh to him..." her voice was getting softer...

Initially the first thought was like "Why Me?" Now I am trying real hard to remember if I had actually seen this "mystery girl" in school.

"Well ok..." I agreed, though still feeling a bit weird "What do you want me to tell him?" I dunno why I actually agree.

"Ehm... just let him know that I am sorry for calling him all the names just now... and hope that he will reply my call..."

"Eh excuse me... how would he know who is apologizing to him when I dun even know what name to tell him?" I shook my head.

"Oh sorry sorry!" she seemed to cheered up a bit. "Just said Lynn called to say that..."

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"Hello? You looking for?" I seemed to be picking up the phone quite regularly nowadays. No choice actually, as most of it were my phone calls.

"Zen is that you?" It's Lynn on the other side of the line.

Since that day she called we have always been on the phone for like twenty-four-seven... Ok not really... but other than being in school most of my time at home would be spent on the phone with her. Quite unbelievable when I recall that now. I think the longest non stop phone call we've had was eight hours! Can't really remember what the hell we actually talk about... it's crazy I would say!

One would think of the word "Soft-Spoken" when he or she first saw Lynn.She would not be the one to stand out from the crowd like, for example, Celia... Nor is she the type who would mixed around with the rest of the class. From what I heard, she only hang around with her other girl-friend in school and the both of them always kept a low profile in class. Another thing about Lynn is the fact that she is one of the taller girls in our school. At around 1.7 metres in height I would say she dwarfed almost all the other girls. A surprise she didn't join the girl basket ball team... haha. "Book-worm" looks, complete with glasses and shoulder-length hair, made her quite... ehm how should I put it... cute? Maybe there is another word for it, just that I can't think of it now.

It's hard to imagine that we actually knew each other quite well... when we dun actually talk much face to face. At home we will be on the phone almost every day without fail, yet in school we seldom interact directly with each other. There was once where she was skipping along the corridor with her friend, when me and my basketballing friends were coming up the stairs... she stopped upon seeing us, when I ask what's wrong, she would pretend not to see us and continue on her way normally... Though I tried a couple of times to chat her up in school, she would be very evasive, or will just sit there very quietly, giving me a weird look...

Maybe I am too sensitive, but it seemed to me that she is afraid to embarassed herself in my presence... Of course I brush it off my mind thinking that I probably thought too much...

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"Daniel, look its Lynn!"

Daniel looked towards the direction where Lynn is approaching. For some reason he didn't seemed to care. Me and Daniel had been friends for around a year or so. From Lynn I got to know about the two and their relationship, which recently seemed to be undergoing some rough patches. Lynn admitted that she is tired of this seemingly pointless, one-sided, relationship. Its doesn't help much that Daniel is not interested in making a difference.

"Zen..." Lynn was one the phone. Her voice was faint and barely audible, even for her standard, as if she is very tired.

"Yeah Lynn what's going on? You ill?" I am just trying to show my concern.

"Nothing... nevermind..." she hung up.

"Hello is that Lynn?" I called back. Deep inside me I am feeling worried about her. I think I'm showing her concern from a position which is far beyond what a close friend would go.

"It's okay Zen, I'm feeling better already..." Lynn's voice was trembling, she was crying, or had cried before...

"About Daniel...?" I'm being nosey again.

There was sniffing on the other end... otherwise it was quiet.

It really hurts me to see her so sad and down. The next day I told Phil about what happen the night before. Maybe because of my awkward position, I thought it might be better for Phil to convey my message to him.

"Zen, you better stay out of this!" This is the first time I actually see Daniel speaking to someone in such a threatening tone, moreover the target was me.

"What the hell do you mean?" Not wanting to be intimidated I shot back.

"Don't come between me and Lynn you hear?" From the way Daniel put it I guess he probably wouldn't take "No" for an answer.

"F*cking loser?! What the f*ck you talking about?!" I gave Daniel a shove, and almost regretted it... because in retaliation, Daniel, who is almost twice my girth, gave me a hard push which floored me.

"I know you guys are always on the phone!" Damn, who the hell told Daniel about that... Till today I wasn't able to find out.

"If you still take me as a friend don't come between us again! You dig?!"

As I was recollecting the incident at home, I thought "What the Hell is he thinking about?! I'm just trying to help!" However another thought came to my mine: "Actually Daniel's not totally wrong... Arh what the hell am I thinking?"

It must have been that I'm too close to Lynn, Well I guess I would just have to lay low for the time being and hope Daniel and Lynn can come together again. Nothing else matters now...

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"Hello Zen! Its me lah Celia!" She seemed to be calling from a very noisyplace.

Somehow I was hoping it was someone else who was on the phone. After recalling, I realised it's been a month since Lynn and I talk. I know she would not approach me in school, for some reason she seemed to know that I'm trying to avoid her and did not called me as well. Come to think of it it's most probably because she and Daniel had got back together already, and it "inappropriate" of her to called me as often.

"Yeah I know. Later at two... Yah lah! I'll bring the CD you want! By the way where the hell are you anyway? So noisy?" I'll be meeting the gang later in town for luncheon.

"Aiyah today Daniel's Birthday, so right now we're celebrating at his place.Too bad you're not here. His girlfriend here also! Haha you should see the bliss in his face!" Celia is still as loud mouth as ever.

Daniel birthday. That would means its Lynn's birthday as well. Guess the two must be celebrating their birthday together. That seemed to be rubbing salt into my "wounds", but seriously, me and Lynn never really started. Perhaps it is for the better.

"Oi, Zen, over here!" Phil and the rest of the gang, together with Celia,was waving at me from across the road. I waved back in reply, then I saw Daniel... Damn! That would mean that Lynn would be just beside him. I pictured the scene where the two would be sitting in one corner of the restaurant, whispering sweet nothing to each other while I'll be at another corner engulfed in envy and jealousy. Supposed I wouldn't be able to enjoy today's outing after all.

"Zen this is my friend, Lavian."

Celia introduced me to her childhood friend, Lavian, who is also currently Daniel's girlfriend.

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It is still very early in the morning, during this time of the day the school is still quite "dead". As I walk across the quadrangle towards the staircase that leads to my classroom I instinctly took a glance up towards a particular spot on the 4th floor; the spot along the corridor outside the classroom of 3E3 where Lynn always hang around when she comes to school early in the morning. Always wanted to ask her what is she looking out for...

"All the best Zen! Just be careful cause Lynn's got a hot tempered! Haha!" Daniel joked. For one moment I feel like killing him... Yet at the same time, I felt grateful and assured that Daniel had given his "blessings".

I suppose there really is nothing in my way for now. Thinking back so far, I really regretted wasting so much time before deciding to pour my heart out to Lynn. Today I shall right all the wrong. I just hope it is not too late to let her know that.

As expected Lynn was standing there when I looked up from the quadrangle.

But who's that guy beside her? And why are her arms around him?

My vision started to go blurry, all I can remember was gripping my fist tightly.

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"Swee lah! See you later man, and I got a surprise for you!"

I am meeting Johannes for our usual "Talk Cock" session. As we stayed in the same neighbourhood we often meet up at night to chat. Thinking back on our secondary school days, I realised that eight years had past since our graduation.

Talking about life, both past and present, seemed to have became our favourite past-time. Of course we talk about other stuff too. Actually it usually was Johannes who's doing most of the talking. I'm just a listener...

"Walau another Honda Super Four... can't believed it! Singapore roads are full of this bikes!" Thats Johannes, always talking about his biking endeavour and stories. Not that I'm against bikes or what, its just that sometimes I wonder if he had any other topics besides biking. Sensing that my attention had strayed, he sudden ask:

"Zen, still remember Gregor?"

"The guy standing beside Lynn? You bet..." was my thought. "Yes, what about him?"

"No lah, just that we met up recently during one of our class pubbing session.You remember Lynn right? The girl you like..." Johannes didn't managed to finish his sentence before I stopped him.

"Johannes stop talking about it already, it over..." I told Johannes in the past about what happen that day. I guess he thought I might be interested in whatever news there is about Lynn. But seriously, I really can't bear to know what had happen between them.

"Wait lah I haven't finish. Greg told me that they had broken up quite a while back, last he saw her was around a year ago. Apparently Lynn later knew this guy from Indonesia and got married recently. Greg even went for their wedding ceremony..." What Johannes said next no longer registered in my mind.

To me, things that happened after that fateful day, are no longer important...