To You...

To: Someone...

The date today is 9th September 2005. In the midst of revising for my semester examinations I sudden feel this emptiness and "cold" within me. "Same old feeling... missing someone again..."

I don't think "missing" should be the appropriate word to say when refering to you. We still chat occassionally on MSN, and I still have your mobile's number, though I don't think it is appropriate of me to call you again after that "incident"... Anyway, even on MSN we seemed to have ran out of topics to talk about, what differences would it have if I were to call you?

I heard people saying that human relationships, be it between friends, couples and such are said to grow stronger the longer you know someone. Haha, for our case it seemed to be the direct opposite... no matter how hard, or how little I tried, (I don't know about you...) this weird "friendship" we had just seemed to be drifting further. Often I would sit back asking myself...

"What is wrong?" Perhaps... Perhaps...

I remember the first time when we met during our first CCA activity. Amongst all the the people, I can't seemed to remember your name! Now when I recall that moment I still think its incredible... Imagine knowing someone for, what, four months without knowing his or her name? Haha... And I remember when I finally got your name correct... It was on one of our few bus trip home. Taking about your favourite TV programmes and stuff, and the promise to lend you the "Gospellers" CD.

Now, I guess it would take me a long, long time to forget your name...

If memory served me well that was the same bus trip that I ask for your MSN address for easy contact. Before I knew it, we were like chatting almost every day on MSN... In a way I am fascinated by your apparent "Happy-Go-Lucky" kind of character. Though it is at later dates that I realised that may just be a front that hides the true self, I still find myself drawn to this girl who gave people this impression that she can take on the world with her "SunShine Smile".

A new year has come, year 2005 has arrived... with it comes new challenges in life, and new goals. (Aw man, who am I trying to cheat?) I am not someone who has the habit of planning "New Year Resolution" or any relevant cr*p... But year 2005 is special... I DO have one new year resolution: that I wanted to make someone my "special one"... you probably knew who she is already. I dun like using the word "girlfriend", no particular reasons actually, maybe because using the term "girlfriend" don't make you seemed special from the others.(Oooohhhhh..... mushy & corny... don't believe I actually say that...haha)

Actually had to think over it for 2 months before deciding to pop the question, and with good reasons. Firstly is the fact that we don't really know each other that long or well enough. Then there is the fact about my low self-esteem; used to think most girls are beyond my reach, and til now that mentality still applies. Thirdly I don't know if I can work out this relationship due to my occasional irresponsibility. Reason number four: I'm not rich. Reason number five, six...., seven...., Come to think of it there are simply too many reasons working against me...

Lastly of course, is the age gap thingy... which, believe me bothers me the most...

I almost gave up the idea...

"Will you regret your decision now or in the future?"

Sunday, 13th Febuary, 2005... I was out on Chinese New Year visits. By the time I got home it is already 11.45 p.m. Already got everything planned. I will spring the question at 11.48p.m, and regardless whether its a positive reply will still wish you "Happy Valentines Day!" when the clock strikes 12. Real nervous... It IS my first time asking for a girl to be with me you know... haha.

The moment of truth for me... I still can't describe it. It like a surge of warmth rushing up my face... (Oi dun laugh leh I'm serious...) The moment you reply "yes"... I don't know if you felt it before. I seriously pinched myself damn hard to make sure I wasn't dreaming. All I remember about that night was that it was one of the most, if not, the most magical night for me in my 24 years of existence.

Just for that... I would like to thank you for giving me a chance to see a miracle... Serious... It is as if I have become like you; able to take on the world or whatever comes...

Even if you did say sixteen plus hours later that you thought I was joking that night before... and that we should just continue being friends...

I hated the number 14 for 3 main reasons: My basketball jersey in Secondary School was 14, and for some reasons I never get to play in any official matches while donning that number. The feeling of being an "outcast" in a team is really an experience I would rather not talk about. Luckily I still manage to stay with the Basketball Club and found a group of people whom I can play with as a Team.

Our dog whom the whole family adored and treated as part of the family died suddenly on the 14th December 2004. I remember my mom and sis crying, my dad shedding a tear, my bro going all quiet, and me feeling lost, the sadness only came the next day. My classmates will perhaps remember me coming to class with blood-shot eyes. That day, the entire family joins in the sadness. In a way it make things a little easier to bear.

Then there is 14th Febuary 2005... The day I was left to face Heaven and Hell on the same day.

This time round however, it was a something that I would have to get over with on my own, with nobody else but by myself...

When I called you on your mobile earlier and you told me you have something to tell me when I get home, I had this very bad feeling. Maybe its because I heard you saying that you are sick and need to go home earlier, but I guess I can roughly expect what is to come... heh... just didn't expect it to come earlier than expected...

I heard those medical people saying that when a person is hurt very badly he or she will feel no pain in the initial stage. When I was hit by the "bombshell" I swear the next two weeks was a feeling that's worst then hell... Like you told me once there was a period where you just couldn't cry... I felt something like that. Not that I have not experience it before, just that this time round the repercussion was so great I almost thought it was the last straw for me.

After the two weeks was a period of mixed feeling, anguish and pain. A big "WTF?" was in my head all the time. That was the period of time where I tried to (unsuccessfully) cut off all ties with you. I only realised how childish I was in my thinking later, and started to message you on MSN again. Glad to see that you are as "Happy-Go-Lucky" as ever and getting on with life. At least thats what I thought at that time. Come to think of it I ought to be ashamed of myself formy weak characteristics, as compared to you apparent "optimistic" views.

There are plenty of things and thoughts that I hope to tell you personally. In the end, however, I realised that you most probably don't want to hear it anyway. Here's a choice to either read it or not:

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When you say I should find someone better... seriously you expect me to buy that? Even though its an excuse... find something more innovative... like, eh... I dun know... haha... Anyway I don't have to either, cause I already found that "someone"... in you.

Around two months ago during one of our conversations you say something like "why can't I like you?" My answer was "Don't talk about it already lah! haha!"

Actually I really have the urge to ask... "Yeah, why can't you?"

Even though I have regular mood swings, and when I "go into hibernation" I may looked unapproachable, I want to assure you not to be afraid to approach me to chat or message me on MSN... I'll even tell you this: YOU ALREADY HAVE SPECIAL PRIVILEDGE !!! HAHAHA... Does that assure you?

Your apparent indifference is one thing that I still can't get used to... but no point telling you about it. Take It, Or Leave It... your way... right? haha...

I know how it feels like when your love is not reciprocated; I been through it not too long ago...

Seriously speaking I am nobody to you... given your ways of doing or dealing with issues, what I say is most probably not going to be of any impact to you... hah, you may even think this letter is silly and a waste of time. Yet I'm hoping against hope that with every greetings, well-wishes and consolations from me to you will bring me closer to you, and hopefully, you to me...

There are some things that, when lost, can never be replaced. Cherished whatever holds dear to you so as not to have any regrets. This is speaking through my own experience.

If there really comes a day where we can no longer see eye to eye, or if anytime you think I am causing you woe, just let me know your thoughts. I will get out of your life...

Finally... Although I failed miserably I never once regret declaring my liking for you...

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I guess now is the time to end this letter.Though I still have lots of stuff to tell you personally, I guess I have said much and that's enough... There are two wishes I have now: that you can finally be with the guy that you love... if he is not already with you, and at least give you something to look forward to in life.

The other one... concerns me... which I guess I'm not gonna tell, no point saying anyway as you might already know...

Best Wishes... ^_^
EiZenM1981
Completed on 12th Sep 2005