禅's message...

The pulication of "Regrets" marks the end of this short stories series. Unless there are further notice this blog will no longer be updates with new stories.

Previously "To You..." was publish as the 3rd of the 4 short stories intended for this blog. It was actually meant to be the last of the series, but due to some personal reason, I decided to publish it before "Regrets". This had been changed now, with "To You..." coming after "Regrets" as the last entry. Please take note.

Finally I would like to thank anyone out there who had made it a point to actually read through the stories. As this is my first attempt on short stories, I would really hope to receive some constructive comments about them. Thx^^...

禅 Zen

To You...

To: Someone...

The date today is 9th September 2005. In the midst of revising for my semester examinations I sudden feel this emptiness and "cold" within me. "Same old feeling... missing someone again..."

I don't think "missing" should be the appropriate word to say when refering to you. We still chat occassionally on MSN, and I still have your mobile's number, though I don't think it is appropriate of me to call you again after that "incident"... Anyway, even on MSN we seemed to have ran out of topics to talk about, what differences would it have if I were to call you?

I heard people saying that human relationships, be it between friends, couples and such are said to grow stronger the longer you know someone. Haha, for our case it seemed to be the direct opposite... no matter how hard, or how little I tried, (I don't know about you...) this weird "friendship" we had just seemed to be drifting further. Often I would sit back asking myself...

"What is wrong?" Perhaps... Perhaps...

I remember the first time when we met during our first CCA activity. Amongst all the the people, I can't seemed to remember your name! Now when I recall that moment I still think its incredible... Imagine knowing someone for, what, four months without knowing his or her name? Haha... And I remember when I finally got your name correct... It was on one of our few bus trip home. Taking about your favourite TV programmes and stuff, and the promise to lend you the "Gospellers" CD.

Now, I guess it would take me a long, long time to forget your name...

If memory served me well that was the same bus trip that I ask for your MSN address for easy contact. Before I knew it, we were like chatting almost every day on MSN... In a way I am fascinated by your apparent "Happy-Go-Lucky" kind of character. Though it is at later dates that I realised that may just be a front that hides the true self, I still find myself drawn to this girl who gave people this impression that she can take on the world with her "SunShine Smile".

A new year has come, year 2005 has arrived... with it comes new challenges in life, and new goals. (Aw man, who am I trying to cheat?) I am not someone who has the habit of planning "New Year Resolution" or any relevant cr*p... But year 2005 is special... I DO have one new year resolution: that I wanted to make someone my "special one"... you probably knew who she is already. I dun like using the word "girlfriend", no particular reasons actually, maybe because using the term "girlfriend" don't make you seemed special from the others.(Oooohhhhh..... mushy & corny... don't believe I actually say that...haha)

Actually had to think over it for 2 months before deciding to pop the question, and with good reasons. Firstly is the fact that we don't really know each other that long or well enough. Then there is the fact about my low self-esteem; used to think most girls are beyond my reach, and til now that mentality still applies. Thirdly I don't know if I can work out this relationship due to my occasional irresponsibility. Reason number four: I'm not rich. Reason number five, six...., seven...., Come to think of it there are simply too many reasons working against me...

Lastly of course, is the age gap thingy... which, believe me bothers me the most...

I almost gave up the idea...

"Will you regret your decision now or in the future?"

Sunday, 13th Febuary, 2005... I was out on Chinese New Year visits. By the time I got home it is already 11.45 p.m. Already got everything planned. I will spring the question at 11.48p.m, and regardless whether its a positive reply will still wish you "Happy Valentines Day!" when the clock strikes 12. Real nervous... It IS my first time asking for a girl to be with me you know... haha.

The moment of truth for me... I still can't describe it. It like a surge of warmth rushing up my face... (Oi dun laugh leh I'm serious...) The moment you reply "yes"... I don't know if you felt it before. I seriously pinched myself damn hard to make sure I wasn't dreaming. All I remember about that night was that it was one of the most, if not, the most magical night for me in my 24 years of existence.

Just for that... I would like to thank you for giving me a chance to see a miracle... Serious... It is as if I have become like you; able to take on the world or whatever comes...

Even if you did say sixteen plus hours later that you thought I was joking that night before... and that we should just continue being friends...

I hated the number 14 for 3 main reasons: My basketball jersey in Secondary School was 14, and for some reasons I never get to play in any official matches while donning that number. The feeling of being an "outcast" in a team is really an experience I would rather not talk about. Luckily I still manage to stay with the Basketball Club and found a group of people whom I can play with as a Team.

Our dog whom the whole family adored and treated as part of the family died suddenly on the 14th December 2004. I remember my mom and sis crying, my dad shedding a tear, my bro going all quiet, and me feeling lost, the sadness only came the next day. My classmates will perhaps remember me coming to class with blood-shot eyes. That day, the entire family joins in the sadness. In a way it make things a little easier to bear.

Then there is 14th Febuary 2005... The day I was left to face Heaven and Hell on the same day.

This time round however, it was a something that I would have to get over with on my own, with nobody else but by myself...

When I called you on your mobile earlier and you told me you have something to tell me when I get home, I had this very bad feeling. Maybe its because I heard you saying that you are sick and need to go home earlier, but I guess I can roughly expect what is to come... heh... just didn't expect it to come earlier than expected...

I heard those medical people saying that when a person is hurt very badly he or she will feel no pain in the initial stage. When I was hit by the "bombshell" I swear the next two weeks was a feeling that's worst then hell... Like you told me once there was a period where you just couldn't cry... I felt something like that. Not that I have not experience it before, just that this time round the repercussion was so great I almost thought it was the last straw for me.

After the two weeks was a period of mixed feeling, anguish and pain. A big "WTF?" was in my head all the time. That was the period of time where I tried to (unsuccessfully) cut off all ties with you. I only realised how childish I was in my thinking later, and started to message you on MSN again. Glad to see that you are as "Happy-Go-Lucky" as ever and getting on with life. At least thats what I thought at that time. Come to think of it I ought to be ashamed of myself formy weak characteristics, as compared to you apparent "optimistic" views.

There are plenty of things and thoughts that I hope to tell you personally. In the end, however, I realised that you most probably don't want to hear it anyway. Here's a choice to either read it or not:

*********************************************************

When you say I should find someone better... seriously you expect me to buy that? Even though its an excuse... find something more innovative... like, eh... I dun know... haha... Anyway I don't have to either, cause I already found that "someone"... in you.

Around two months ago during one of our conversations you say something like "why can't I like you?" My answer was "Don't talk about it already lah! haha!"

Actually I really have the urge to ask... "Yeah, why can't you?"

Even though I have regular mood swings, and when I "go into hibernation" I may looked unapproachable, I want to assure you not to be afraid to approach me to chat or message me on MSN... I'll even tell you this: YOU ALREADY HAVE SPECIAL PRIVILEDGE !!! HAHAHA... Does that assure you?

Your apparent indifference is one thing that I still can't get used to... but no point telling you about it. Take It, Or Leave It... your way... right? haha...

I know how it feels like when your love is not reciprocated; I been through it not too long ago...

Seriously speaking I am nobody to you... given your ways of doing or dealing with issues, what I say is most probably not going to be of any impact to you... hah, you may even think this letter is silly and a waste of time. Yet I'm hoping against hope that with every greetings, well-wishes and consolations from me to you will bring me closer to you, and hopefully, you to me...

There are some things that, when lost, can never be replaced. Cherished whatever holds dear to you so as not to have any regrets. This is speaking through my own experience.

If there really comes a day where we can no longer see eye to eye, or if anytime you think I am causing you woe, just let me know your thoughts. I will get out of your life...

Finally... Although I failed miserably I never once regret declaring my liking for you...

**********************************************************

I guess now is the time to end this letter.Though I still have lots of stuff to tell you personally, I guess I have said much and that's enough... There are two wishes I have now: that you can finally be with the guy that you love... if he is not already with you, and at least give you something to look forward to in life.

The other one... concerns me... which I guess I'm not gonna tell, no point saying anyway as you might already know...

Best Wishes... ^_^
EiZenM1981
Completed on 12th Sep 2005

Regrets

I can still recall the scene clearly: it was another one of those normal school days and I was walking to school as usual.

"A fine morning." I thought to myself, probably due to the fact that it has rain the night before. The air was cold with a slight breeze. I remember taking a deep breathe before entering the school compound.

"Today shall be it!"

The first time the feeling of wanting to love someone is so strong. Not the same feeling as when I felt about Celia and Regine... Deep down inside I knew I can't deny what I am feeling for her... she probably felt the same too...

It is still very early in the morning, during this time of the day the school is still quite "dead". As I walk across the quadrangle towards the staircase that leads to my classroom I instinctly took a glance up towards a particular spot on the 4th floor; the spot along the corridor outside the classroom of 3E3 where she always hang around when she comes to school early in the morning. Always wanted to ask her what is she looking out for...

***************************************************************

"Zen! You're wanted on the phone! It's a girl!" mother was calling me.

During this period of time I really hate picking up the phone, especially whenI knew it was a girl on the other side of it... During my secondary school days the only girl that would actually called was Celia. And when she actually does called it would beat least two hours of yapping and gribing on her end while the poor ears on my end was hoping this "mental torture" would end soon.

"Yeah Celia what's up now?" I reply. Clearly there was a tinge of impatience in my voice...

"Huh?" the voice answered in a very soft and mild manner.

"Oops... Who the hell was that?" Okay I didn't really said that out loud but that was what's going through my mind at that instant. Who could the owner of this voice be? After going through a list of girls I knew I decided that she is not someone I knew very well... if i even knew her at all. I even thought it was Celia trying to be "mild" haha...

"Eh..." I treaded carefully, "Who is that on the line?"

"Oh sorry, you don't know who I am?" was the reply.

"Sorry I don't, you from my school?" at the same time in my mind was the thought "Damn who the hell are you and what is this guessing game about..."

"You really don't know who I am?" she seemed to be surprised.

"No sorry I really don't..." I tried my best not to knock my head against the wall.

"Oh never mind, then you should know Phil right? I'm one of his friend."

"Eh okay... but how did you got my number?" I seldom gave my home number to anyone, save a few of my close friends.

"Got it from Phil." The girl on the other end answered matter-of-factly.

"Damn you,Phil... you gave my phone number to some crazy girl who had nothing better to do than to call and disturb..." Deep down inside I was cursing Phil for being such a loud mouth.

"Yeah I do know him, we play ball together." I was getting impatient.

"Can you do me a favor? Cause just now I sort of quarrelled with him on the phone... I was hoping you would help me apologized... cause I sorta said something quite harsh to him..." her voice was getting softer...

Initially the first thought was like "Why Me?" Now I am trying real hard to remember if I had actually seen this "mystery girl" in school.

"Well ok..." I agreed, though still feeling a bit weird "What do you want me to tell him?" I dunno why I actually agree.

"Ehm... just let him know that I am sorry for calling him all the names just now... and hope that he will reply my call..."

"Eh excuse me... how would he know who is apologizing to him when I dun even know what name to tell him?" I shook my head.

"Oh sorry sorry!" she seemed to cheered up a bit. "Just said Lynn called to say that..."

**************************************************************

"Hello? You looking for?" I seemed to be picking up the phone quite regularly nowadays. No choice actually, as most of it were my phone calls.

"Zen is that you?" It's Lynn on the other side of the line.

Since that day she called we have always been on the phone for like twenty-four-seven... Ok not really... but other than being in school most of my time at home would be spent on the phone with her. Quite unbelievable when I recall that now. I think the longest non stop phone call we've had was eight hours! Can't really remember what the hell we actually talk about... it's crazy I would say!

One would think of the word "Soft-Spoken" when he or she first saw Lynn.She would not be the one to stand out from the crowd like, for example, Celia... Nor is she the type who would mixed around with the rest of the class. From what I heard, she only hang around with her other girl-friend in school and the both of them always kept a low profile in class. Another thing about Lynn is the fact that she is one of the taller girls in our school. At around 1.7 metres in height I would say she dwarfed almost all the other girls. A surprise she didn't join the girl basket ball team... haha. "Book-worm" looks, complete with glasses and shoulder-length hair, made her quite... ehm how should I put it... cute? Maybe there is another word for it, just that I can't think of it now.

It's hard to imagine that we actually knew each other quite well... when we dun actually talk much face to face. At home we will be on the phone almost every day without fail, yet in school we seldom interact directly with each other. There was once where she was skipping along the corridor with her friend, when me and my basketballing friends were coming up the stairs... she stopped upon seeing us, when I ask what's wrong, she would pretend not to see us and continue on her way normally... Though I tried a couple of times to chat her up in school, she would be very evasive, or will just sit there very quietly, giving me a weird look...

Maybe I am too sensitive, but it seemed to me that she is afraid to embarassed herself in my presence... Of course I brush it off my mind thinking that I probably thought too much...

******************************************************************

"Daniel, look its Lynn!"

Daniel looked towards the direction where Lynn is approaching. For some reason he didn't seemed to care. Me and Daniel had been friends for around a year or so. From Lynn I got to know about the two and their relationship, which recently seemed to be undergoing some rough patches. Lynn admitted that she is tired of this seemingly pointless, one-sided, relationship. Its doesn't help much that Daniel is not interested in making a difference.

"Zen..." Lynn was one the phone. Her voice was faint and barely audible, even for her standard, as if she is very tired.

"Yeah Lynn what's going on? You ill?" I am just trying to show my concern.

"Nothing... nevermind..." she hung up.

"Hello is that Lynn?" I called back. Deep inside me I am feeling worried about her. I think I'm showing her concern from a position which is far beyond what a close friend would go.

"It's okay Zen, I'm feeling better already..." Lynn's voice was trembling, she was crying, or had cried before...

"About Daniel...?" I'm being nosey again.

There was sniffing on the other end... otherwise it was quiet.

It really hurts me to see her so sad and down. The next day I told Phil about what happen the night before. Maybe because of my awkward position, I thought it might be better for Phil to convey my message to him.

"Zen, you better stay out of this!" This is the first time I actually see Daniel speaking to someone in such a threatening tone, moreover the target was me.

"What the hell do you mean?" Not wanting to be intimidated I shot back.

"Don't come between me and Lynn you hear?" From the way Daniel put it I guess he probably wouldn't take "No" for an answer.

"F*cking loser?! What the f*ck you talking about?!" I gave Daniel a shove, and almost regretted it... because in retaliation, Daniel, who is almost twice my girth, gave me a hard push which floored me.

"I know you guys are always on the phone!" Damn, who the hell told Daniel about that... Till today I wasn't able to find out.

"If you still take me as a friend don't come between us again! You dig?!"

As I was recollecting the incident at home, I thought "What the Hell is he thinking about?! I'm just trying to help!" However another thought came to my mine: "Actually Daniel's not totally wrong... Arh what the hell am I thinking?"

It must have been that I'm too close to Lynn, Well I guess I would just have to lay low for the time being and hope Daniel and Lynn can come together again. Nothing else matters now...

*************************************************************

"Hello Zen! Its me lah Celia!" She seemed to be calling from a very noisyplace.

Somehow I was hoping it was someone else who was on the phone. After recalling, I realised it's been a month since Lynn and I talk. I know she would not approach me in school, for some reason she seemed to know that I'm trying to avoid her and did not called me as well. Come to think of it it's most probably because she and Daniel had got back together already, and it "inappropriate" of her to called me as often.

"Yeah I know. Later at two... Yah lah! I'll bring the CD you want! By the way where the hell are you anyway? So noisy?" I'll be meeting the gang later in town for luncheon.

"Aiyah today Daniel's Birthday, so right now we're celebrating at his place.Too bad you're not here. His girlfriend here also! Haha you should see the bliss in his face!" Celia is still as loud mouth as ever.

Daniel birthday. That would means its Lynn's birthday as well. Guess the two must be celebrating their birthday together. That seemed to be rubbing salt into my "wounds", but seriously, me and Lynn never really started. Perhaps it is for the better.

"Oi, Zen, over here!" Phil and the rest of the gang, together with Celia,was waving at me from across the road. I waved back in reply, then I saw Daniel... Damn! That would mean that Lynn would be just beside him. I pictured the scene where the two would be sitting in one corner of the restaurant, whispering sweet nothing to each other while I'll be at another corner engulfed in envy and jealousy. Supposed I wouldn't be able to enjoy today's outing after all.

"Zen this is my friend, Lavian."

Celia introduced me to her childhood friend, Lavian, who is also currently Daniel's girlfriend.

**************************************************************

It is still very early in the morning, during this time of the day the school is still quite "dead". As I walk across the quadrangle towards the staircase that leads to my classroom I instinctly took a glance up towards a particular spot on the 4th floor; the spot along the corridor outside the classroom of 3E3 where Lynn always hang around when she comes to school early in the morning. Always wanted to ask her what is she looking out for...

"All the best Zen! Just be careful cause Lynn's got a hot tempered! Haha!" Daniel joked. For one moment I feel like killing him... Yet at the same time, I felt grateful and assured that Daniel had given his "blessings".

I suppose there really is nothing in my way for now. Thinking back so far, I really regretted wasting so much time before deciding to pour my heart out to Lynn. Today I shall right all the wrong. I just hope it is not too late to let her know that.

As expected Lynn was standing there when I looked up from the quadrangle.

But who's that guy beside her? And why are her arms around him?

My vision started to go blurry, all I can remember was gripping my fist tightly.

***************************************************************

"Swee lah! See you later man, and I got a surprise for you!"

I am meeting Johannes for our usual "Talk Cock" session. As we stayed in the same neighbourhood we often meet up at night to chat. Thinking back on our secondary school days, I realised that eight years had past since our graduation.

Talking about life, both past and present, seemed to have became our favourite past-time. Of course we talk about other stuff too. Actually it usually was Johannes who's doing most of the talking. I'm just a listener...

"Walau another Honda Super Four... can't believed it! Singapore roads are full of this bikes!" Thats Johannes, always talking about his biking endeavour and stories. Not that I'm against bikes or what, its just that sometimes I wonder if he had any other topics besides biking. Sensing that my attention had strayed, he sudden ask:

"Zen, still remember Gregor?"

"The guy standing beside Lynn? You bet..." was my thought. "Yes, what about him?"

"No lah, just that we met up recently during one of our class pubbing session.You remember Lynn right? The girl you like..." Johannes didn't managed to finish his sentence before I stopped him.

"Johannes stop talking about it already, it over..." I told Johannes in the past about what happen that day. I guess he thought I might be interested in whatever news there is about Lynn. But seriously, I really can't bear to know what had happen between them.

"Wait lah I haven't finish. Greg told me that they had broken up quite a while back, last he saw her was around a year ago. Apparently Lynn later knew this guy from Indonesia and got married recently. Greg even went for their wedding ceremony..." What Johannes said next no longer registered in my mind.

To me, things that happened after that fateful day, are no longer important...

Misunderstood...

"Zen! Dreaming lah, time to move off!!!"

There it happens again, one of my "Spirit Walking" sessions (laugh). Actually that was just me staring into space. Forgotten since when I actually got this habit. Perhaps I was trying to hard to concentrate and unknowingly turn it into a "space trip"...

Ever since promoting to Year Six of my Primary School Education,things had be going rather smoothly for me. Grown used to the usual busy schedules, good thing I was spared from tutions and remedial classes, unlike some of my class-mates. This will also be the year I am taking my promotion examination.

"Do well and you'll be fine!"

I know dad was trying to be assuring, too bad I knew the next line all too well, "Perform badly and somebody's gonna get hurt REAL bad!" Okay,he didn't really say it but thats the rough idea. The idea of failing my promotion exams stinks, so definitely I was giving it my hundred percent for the exams.

It's only a matter of whether MY hundred percent is enough...

"Oi Zen! So how, the paper lah I mean... What The F*ck, you dreaming again arh?!"

"Spirit Walking" again. I just finished my Mathematics paper. For some reasons unknown to mankind I simply hated Maths, so much so I go to the point of burning my Maths textbooks after I clear the final exam paper.

Yeah, another book to burn tonight... (Okay I'm joking...)

"OI BITCH!!!" the shout was followed by a loud "SLAP!!" (actually the guy shouted something more vulgar... Well thats not important...)

A guy fighting a girl? The first thing that came to my mind: somebody's gonna get hurt real bad. You bet I'm correct; The guy ended up with a bleeding head: the girl stabbed a pencil into his scalp... man looks like the guy gonna be out for a while... As for the girl... even now when thinking back, Celia doesn't really fit the bill as one with decent background. Back in our days, we called such girls "Ah Lian Taos".

Well most probably wouldn't get to see her again so never mind if she is "Ah Lian" or what...

***********************************************************

Secondary School life... its is during this period of time I actually get to know most of my close friends. They say that ones best friends come along during their primary school life. Yeah right... I used to think... Anyway, better luck this time round... familiar faces during first day in school!

"Kev! You also in this school arh?" I ask excitedly.

"No, I work here as a cleaner... Walau! Zen! Stupid question leh!" Kev replied with a "WTF" kind of face.

Man I feel so dumb asking that question, but decided to carry on with the conversation. When its time to go to our classroom, I realised that Kev's in another class. Well, we are not really that close in the first place, so, whatever...

"Morning class I'll be your form teacher for Sec One. My name is..."Seriously I wasn't paying too much attention to what Mr Chen had to say in class. First day of school is usually so uneventful. For our school its the same throughout our four or five years there: first day at school... form teachers going through rules and regulations, telling us what to do or what not to do, giving us or class timetable, etc. Sometime I do feel very sorry for the teachers, they must have know we are not listening, yet they have tell us this things over and over again.

"Sorry teacher!"

Hmm... late comers. As I was still in my "spirit walking" mode I wasn't paying much attention to whoever it is. That is, until that person started talking.

"Hey... seemed to have heard that voice before..." I was mentally trying to recall, when the late comer put her seemingly empty bag on the table, sat down beside me and started to say:

"Yo seen you in Primary School before, didn't know you studied here...".

You should have seen my face at that moment, I was like "WTF! This a joke or something?" Sitting beside me in a very unlady-like manner, was our "Ah Lian Tao" Celia, this time up close and personal...

"Oi why you look at me like that?! I so good looking meh?!" Well I would only say that Celia is not the girl most would consider as "girlfriend" material... On top of the fact that she can be very vulgar and rough at times, the way she walk and presents herself... man... the jargon we often used is in the army is "totally-cannot-make-it"!

If I were to say that I'm more of a listener in a conversation, then she is definitely the one to struck up a conversation. Its quite unbelievable to see a girl being able to come up with so many things to say. Even up til today I still don't fully understand how she lived her life...

"That day lah, that son-of-a-gun Andy "fly my kite"! Say pass me back my CD then didn't come! NB...!" The first thing that came to my mind when I heard Celia over the phone is like "Andy??? Who in Blue Hell is Andy??? I don't even know who he is!" That's another thing about her... she made it sound so convincing and matter-of-factly that I though I knew the guy she was talking about, only to realise later that I have to ask her who this Andy guy is, or who that Brandon was...Over a year or so I gave up asking, and take it as it is...

If there is any one thing that Celia did manage to influence me, it is basketball. During Secondary One and the first semester of Secondary Two I was in the Art Club, the only guy among all the girls who joined. The club and its activities, though fun and interesting (I especially like the Chinese Painting lessons), was not really the ideal CCA (during that time it was called ECA...) of my choice... Its was during one of the club weekly activities. After finishing my painting and leaving it out on the corridor to dry, I thought I might as well take a short break outside the art room.

As I was looking out on to the basketball court and watching their training, I saw Celia in the midst of all the guys and girls, how she is enjoying herself in the hot sun with all the guys and girls. I had not like basketball since young due to some unhappy incident in the past, but seeing them play basketball and how they were enjoying themselves, I have this urge to join them. I don't even know if its because of Celia, but I decided to just give basketball a try...

"Huh I thought you were enjoying yourself here, but if that is your choice, then I shall not keep you back. All the best then!" Thats what Mr Leong said when I submitted my letter of quitting the Art Club.

Well I never looked back. From the first day I join basketball I never did once missed any of the training sessions. It is also through all these training sessions that Celia and I got to know each other better. And perhaps unknowingly to even me, I find myself attracted to her in a way that I, at that time can't really explain.

"Wah Zen after playing for six month you become even better already, grown taller too!" Celia was sitting beside me after a game with the school team.

"Well you're not too bad yourself! Though you didn't really seemed to improve...Opps..." I joked.

"Oi say until like that! Walau... I also know I can't play well..." she was looking disappointed.

"Hey come on you're pretty decent(basketball skills, I meant) already, for a girl at least." I tried consoling her.

"Ha ha ha! Zen you know what? Seldom people would think of me as a girl! So you dun have to make me feel better." She laughed.

"Come to think of it you're not really that bad looking, just have to be more lady-like..." I was just trying to say stuff to make her feel better, but for some reason Celia had gone all quiet.

"Oi Zen! Round two already lah! Still talking with your "GirlFriend" arh!!" The guys on the court where laughing already. That really made the situation very weird. There I was trying to explain myself, while Celia was sitting there all quiet.

Before I knew it the "news" of Celia and me being a "couple" spread throughout the school. Imagine my surprise when even the teachers knew about it. But somehow I wasn't really trying very hard to deny it... at that time I thought I had really come to falling for her. And it was during this time where Celia and I talk less in school and on the phone. Well I thought, might as well let the thing died off by itself.

"Zen you there?" It was Celia on the phone... If I remember correctly it was after we finished our Sec Two year end examinations.

"Yeah how are you doing now? Can pass?" I was trying to chat her up and dispelling the awkward atmosphere.

"Haha never mind about that!" From what she say I can roughly tell; she barely scraped though.

"See lah! Didn't study for exams now regret already?" I'm trying so hard to joke... at this point the other side of the phone has gone all quiet.

"Eh Celia?"(me)

"...Yeah..."(C)

"You Okay...?" For no reason, I was like talking very softly at this point.

"Zen?"(C)

"Got something to say?"(me)

"Do you have a liking for me?" I think she takes quiet a bit of courage saying that. I don't really remember what I say exactly. The only think I remember was giving her a positive reply.

"Maybe we can try to make this relationship work?" she stammered unsurely.

Now I was the one who had gone all quiet... A lot of things where flying through my mind, at first I was damn shocked... what have I done to deserved this?To tell the truth, I can't believe what I'm hearing. Every thing is like a dream... I thought it's one of my "Spirit Walking" sessions again...(haha)

"Do you love me for what I am?"(C)

"Yes." I don't know what happen, or why I say what I said, but one think I can be sure; I say "Yes" almost immmediately and without doubts.

"Say you love me..."(C)

"Yes I do..." Now I feel extremely weird... can almost feel the warm rush to my face and I swear I can hear my heartbeat...

"NO! Say "I Love You"!!" I can almost feel her cheekyness while saying that.

After mustering enough courage and checking to make sure no one at home was listening... I summoned enough sincerity and said:

"I Love You, Celia..."

****************************************************************

I didn't really ask Celia about it... but after "declaring my love" I was feeling very light hearted, as if "Finally! There is nothing to hide!"

Maybe because we understand each other so well, there seemed to be even less word between us after we became a couple. Our emotions and feeling for each other is reflected in the our body languages.

On our first outing, both of us were so quiet that people who do not know us may thought we are complete strangers. Its was not until we hold each other hand did we actually have this so called "couple look".The moments I hold her hands and embracing her, I have this feeling that I can almost read what she want to say.

That's what I thought...

"Zen..." It was Celia on the phone again...

"Eh... Hui(Celia's Chinese name) how come today so early call? Anything wrong?"I was a bit worried, cause she usually called in the evening after seven.

"Zen something I need to tell you..." she sounded very unsure. I was now damn worried, though I never know the thing that is to come.

"I think..."(C)

"Hui, talk to me. Did something happen at home again?" Celia comes from a rather complicated family background and there are often troubles at home.

"Never Mind..." Celia hung up.

I tried calling her back for the next few hours. A mixed feeling of confusion and anxiety filled me... In the end I decided to stop calling and let her cool down, as I always did when she is feeling extremely down. I thought I will just ask her what happen when we meet in school the next day.

How am I to know that she is either too "busy" doing her work, or she need to rush off to her workplace after school. Even during break time she will be in some corner where I can't find her. This goes on for a week... even the phone calls stopped coming in. No matter how much I tried calling her I simply can't get through to her.

"Zen." She finally called after one week.

"Hui what's wrong!? You ok or not!?" I was by now really worried, all evidence of my frustrations and worries of not being able to get her and contact her was apparent. I was thinking what could it be that is so hard for her to say. I looked at all kinds of situations that could lead to her apparent coldness, even the possibility of her wanting to end the relationship. But I thought it was impossible; its only been less than a month...

"Zen I think we better go our seperate ways, I don't think I'm the one for you..."(C)

I thought wrong.

****************************************************************

"Oi Zen how's life?"

Celia is now in Europe, trying to realise her dreams as a fashion designer. Two years ago she decided to leave Singapore to further her studies and to get out of this tiny country to see the world.

"Yo its been a while since you called. Thought you were lost in the English Fog"I know thats crap... she knew it too...

"Yeah I was indeed, haha but this English guy help me out of it! Hey tell you...We have been going out for quite a while already, he even proposed to me!" I can almost see Celia grinning from ear to ear at the mention of his boyfriend.

"Haha good for you! At last you're being serious. So you guys coming back for your wedding or what?"(me)

"Aiyo I not joking now lah, I still don't know whether to accept or not leh!"(C)

"You already have the answer... Why bother asking me? Just go tell him you both need more time to make this relationship smooth-sailing. But hey don't make him wait too long arh, hahahaha!"(me)

We both burst out laughing.

"Zen..."(C)

"Yeah what?"(me)

"You really know me inside out..."(C)

"Well same here, isn't it?"(me)

Celia is still the same, telling me every thing about her life. In the past I always thought that what she need is advices from her loved ones. Now I finally realised that all she need is someone who can listen to her problems, and by listening, perhaps share her burden in life. That person need not be her boyfriend, it can be just another friend. Though she did not really say why, I think I finally understand her decision then: precisely because we knew each other too well, and take each other too much like a friend, that the idea of us being a couple is just impossible. A "misunderstanding" one might say.

Our relation has gone beyond "couples"; we are now "soul-mates"...

"Well gotta go now, and take care of yourself yah?"(me)

"Yeap bye! Find yourself a GF soon okay? And take care of Lydia! (Celia's kid sister)"(C)

All the best... Celia...